Ten years ago at 6:45 this morning, I was sat on the floor of the bathroom punching myself full force in my over sized stomach, thumping lumps out of my huge thighs and screaming about how worthless and ugly I was, much to the worry of my poor husband.
I had gotten up, full of determination after writing some resolutions that weekend to improve myself, and got on the weighing scale. The bottom fell out of my world. You can read My Fat Story here. This is the blog that set off a chain of events that have turned my life completely around.
I was 18 stone that morning, smoking 30 a day (at least), not exercising and hadn’t long turned 30. I was a complete train wreck, borderline diabetic, with seriously high blood pressure. I was desperately unhappy with myself, and I blamed everything outside of me for what I had become. To the outside world I looked and maintained the illusion of being happy. After all, I’m someone who has a big personality and likes to be centre of attention (it’s why I’m a singer 😉 ). On the inside, I was a complete mess, filled with self loathing and disgust, feeling utterly worthless and undeserving of my husband, family and friends and, looking back on it, very, very depressed.
That morning, on 9th January 2006, I also smoked my last cigarette. Yes I have had a moment when utterly drunk that I might have puffed on a cigarette (in fact I can tell you that has happened once in all that time) and immediately I’ve though ‘why did I do that? I really didn’t enjoy that’ but for 10 years, today, I haven’t been a smoker, and that’s something ten years ago I never thought I’d say. That morning was the morning my whole life changed.
In the years since, I started writing a blog called No More Mrs Fatty McFat after friends and family asked me for tips on what I had done to start losing weight and regaining control over my body and life. That became the catalyst for the change in career. I have retrained as a Personal Trainer. I have lost over seven stone in weight and put back on one stone, some of which is muscle and some isn’t (my dress size has gone up one step recently, and I know what that’s from so that is being redressed as I type), I am fitter than I have been in a LONG time.
I took up, and became an instructor in, pole dancing. I run obstacle course races, sometimes to compete but mostly for fun. I study Krav Maga. I became a StrongFirst Kettlebell Instructor, the only female one in all of Wales.
I studied Ground Force Method (was Primal Move) and am the only instructor in Wales for that (these three disciplines have changed my life). I gained my Masters Degree in Literature. I ‘retired’ from my job and opened my own business. I recorded three internationally selling, and acclaimed albums with the band. I went on holiday to Greece with Gav and friends, my first time abroad properly in 16 years, and wore a bikini in public for the first time I can remember. I’ve run 9 Race for Life races and raised over £3000 in the process (having been joined by my friend Clare for a couple of those races too). I am no longer running the risk of diabetes, I look younger now at 40 than I did at 28. I am stronger, fitter, healthier and ultimately happier.
Yes I still have dark days, and ole Pandora comes out of her box to tell me I’m worthless, ugly, fat, stupid, disgusting and pointless but I’m better equipped to handle her outbursts…and the end of last year she made a concerted effort to bring me down. That bitch has been put away for a while, thankfully.
I look back on the last ten years and they are filled with so much to be proud of, so much to be thankful for and so much hard work that I can’t help but smile and let myself feel some serious pride. It’s been tough, and it will continue to be tough, but I am stronger, much, much stronger.
And you know something else, I’m worth every effort.
Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive over the last ten years, has helped me on my journey be it physically or emotionally. Without a strong support network, this shit is tough. To all my beautiful clients passed and present, YOU ARE WORTH IT, and I love you all dearly, thank you for helping me build Kirby’s to what it has become.
So here’s to the next ten years and beyond.