I haven’t been on my game, food or exercise wise since middle of July. I have come up with excuses. I have ventured half hearted into my programmes and allowed my head to get between me and my goal. I have lifted and lifted heavy but skipped certain things I should do on my programme because, well, I gave up.
I am stressed. I am burnt out. I reached breaking point a few weeks ago when I sat at home constantly crying. It’s a lot of things that, over time, have amassed into me becoming a big ball of anxiety and stress. It became abundantly clear that I had to seek expert help when I cancelled a day of games with friends because I was gripped with sickness and fear of setting foot outside my house. That is not me. That is not the person I was 8 months ago who fell in love with herself for the first time in her life but it seems I hadn’t truly dealt with things that have been eating away at me for a very long time.
Now I am a people person. I like being centre of attention but on my terms – hence why I have performed on stage for the best part of 30 years. I realised three weeks ago I needed some much needed solitude and time out because my everyday is surrounded with lots of people. I genuinely love and adore my clients. They brighten my day and are some of the loveliest people you could ever wish to spend time with, and after teaching I always felt better but the following day I’d be exhausted. I’d paper over the tiredness, paint the smile on my face and carry on. Well the cracks became chasms.
I am also a perpetual over thinker. I can go from logical to end of the world scenarios in 0.3seconds – I seriously would have a gold medal in it if it was an Olympic sport. I replay conversations from years ago in my head and wonder what would be different if I’d said XYZ – that is not healthy at all and it’s utterly exhausting. Some people think I’m over sensitive. I think being empathetic is a huge bonus and much needed in my job but it can be energy zapping. So I’m having professional help for my mental health, because I’m not coping and it’s equally as important as the physical side of things.
Why am I telling you this? I’ve always prided myself on being honest with my clients. We all have struggles. There is absolutely no shame in seeking the help you need, none at all. If my experiences make me more relatable as a trainer, great, but mainly I’m saying it because, if you’re going through this right now, you’re not alone.
I’m annoyed my mental health has got in the way of my love of my bells. While my strength has maintained a good level, I’m not where I’d like to be. HOWEVER, I’m not beating myself up about it because the physical side will come. I just need to take it one day at a time. We all do. If you’re reading this and think that you’ve attributed in some way… please don’t. This is not about you, although I’d be intrigued to think why you might think it is? I know that sounds harsh, but seriously a persons’ mindset is not always about the people around them, it’s more often about how they process the situations around them and right now I’m way over processing!! 😉
So I’ve come to the studio, done a little Moving Target Complex which I haven’t done in an absolute age and loved that my testing weights are feeling good. It has been a good day. They are cherished more than ever and I’m looking forward to more good days now I have the help I need.
Wishing you all a Happy Hallowe’en and, remember, be kind to yourself, you rock 🤘🏼