It’s time for the honest return of No More Mrs Fatty McFat.
Well the business is wrapping up and this blog will be duplicated on the website which I spent much of Monday morning turning into a personal website and away from being a business thing.
So it’s September 2018…wow the time is moving so fast, if you blink you might miss the good stuff because I’ve noticed, and I do this a lot myself, we always have a tendency to focus on the bad stuff.
The bad things are usually those things that we think we can’t change. However, not all of it is insurmountable, even when we honestly believe it is.
It is no secret that I have been having a rough time of late, and no secret that last year I developed anxiety, so badly that I sought professional help to keep it in check without the use of pharmaceuticals. That anxiety is creeping back in to everyday life and I am desperately trying to keep it in check but there are days it does get the better of me. That isn’t an excuse for being the sullen, stroppy, moody bitch I seem to be of late, but it hasn’t helped. So huge apologies to those who have been on the receiving end of the petulant child that I often can be.
I have been so bogged down in the financial burden of the business, the pressures it puts on my ever supportive husband and the stresses of running my said business that you tend not to talk about to many, I realised I have failed in the one tenant of the mission statement Kirby’s was founded on, that was to lead by example. But today that’s going to change. It’s got to change.
I hit absolute rock bottom on Monday when I was lying on the bed after getting home from the studio that morning and actually telling myself, out loud, to ‘Get up, kid’. I physically had to shout at myself to get up, to get off the bed, to not give up, to get my sorry arse in the shower. It took a whole 30 minutes of coaxing, complete with tears of sheer frustration that my whole body had just seemed to go ‘nope, not moving’.
It’s been heading in that direction for a while and, though I can now pinpoint the signs, I hadn’t really noticed at the time. Ah, hindsight you wonderful thing. I think not getting the job I was interviewed for last week, which brought on feelings of being old, past it, not worth being given the chance because I’m not some pretty young thing who will uncomfortably laugh off ‘banter’ (read: sexism), that I was somehow worthless again. Oh man, old feelings sneak up and bite you on the arse at the worst of times.
I know this month is going to be one of huge upheaval. There isn’t a fat lot I can do about that but what I can do is sort my shit out in other areas. The main one being that ‘lead by example’ tenant that I mentioned. With the stress of running my own business then moving locations just over two years ago I have realised that I haven’t been doing that. I have REALLY let myself go and I feel fat, ugly and worthless again, and I fought so hard to stop feeling that way. I am currently at the heaviest I have been since 2010, and that in the last 5 years alone I have put on 36lbs in weight. It has slowly crept on, and there have been times where it sloped off for a bit, but I am my own worst enemy because the one thing I can control and change is the one thing I let slip time, after time, after time…my own self care.
Yesterday I decided to compare where I was in April 2017 to where I am now and boy did I get one hell of a shock. I knew I’d put on weight, 22lbs between to the two pictures in fact, but I hadn’t realised how much fatter I have become. I’m not saying this for pity or for ‘you’ve got this’ etc. This is the cold, hard fact of where I am right now. And no, I do not need ‘man the fuck up’ comments as I got yesterday…that is NEVER appropriate especially when someone is being quite venerable and showing that vulnerability. I’m sorry you see my heart on my sleeve posts as an affront to the image you have of me as being this strong Amazon, even Wonder Woman is allowed days off!!
So here I am, presented with an opportunity to sort my shit out and get back on track…and Monday morning I talked myself out of lifting because I need to find a job. So I have applied for more positions this week and I no longer have that excuse for the rest of this week until Friday afternoon where I will check the postings again for anything new. So, I have written a list of attainable goals (I know they’re attainable, I achieved them before), I am cutting myself a little slack in that a few get ups and swings would be better than nothing if I honestly cannot find the energy to pull the barbell or bike out, I have sorted my eating plan for this week and I’m going to get my head set on straight by booking in with my therapist to talk through the emotional upheaval of this month of serious change.
I’ll be OK, I have to be, quitting is never an option for me. I might be a sensitive soul who wears her heart on her sleeve far too often but I am also strong and giving up just doesn’t enter my vocabulary. That isn’t ‘manning the fuck up’, but the way. That’s knowing that life is a precious gift and if I’m not careful I can easily waste it in self pity and denial of where I am, much like I did through my 20s. Not my first rodeo. That’s facing up to the issue and knowing I’m the only one who has the power to change it. Go me and my adulting!
Closing the studio and moving on from being a PT isn’t quitting, it was knowing what is right for me right now. Yes, I’m going to keep my quals relevant and maintain my StrongFirst instructor status. Who knows I might come back to being a PT at some point later in life. Sometimes you have to hold your hands up and say ‘this isn’t working right now’ and change it. There is a lot of change coming. I never fear it. It does weight heavy sometimes but change is, for me at least, always a good thing.
So there you have it. That’s where I am at.
I’m going to try and keep updating this every month, unless life gets in the way again which it inevitably does.
As always, be kind to yourself, you rock,